SURVIVOR INSIDER EPISODE 13


DEVIL'S ADVOCATE






Welcome to Survivor Insider, where I cause as much trouble as possible before leaving.


A FEW NOTES:

1) Before I begin, I would like to send a message to CBS:

PLEASE! PLEASE! Give us an insider clip of the jury votes!

Thank you.

2) All archives of the Insider are available at Survivor Network, where you can find them on my spoiler page (an ode to TrueDorkTimes)

http://www.londyscreations.com/survivornetwork/spoilers.asp

Thanks to Larry Londy for the web space.

3) If you want just the transcript, SurvivorFever.net posts it, minus hilarious commentary, in a few days.

4) Thanks to all those who support me in this thread. It takes about 3 hours to do a transcript, and I usually do this REALLY late a night. I enjoy the comments, good or bad. Remember, I do this FOR FUN. Though, if you diss me, I will come after you like Rupert humping his wife (JUST DON'T SUE!).


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TRIBAL COUNCIL VOTING
SHII ANN BOOTED
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Markopolo's note: Ahh yes, much better this week. I was able to understand everyone. But what the HECK is wrong with these people? They are all being so nice to Shii in their votes. Last week, they were ready to kill Alicia. This week, Shii goes nuts and they respond with kindness (even Jenna!).


Rob (votes Shii Ann): Sweetheart, you never had a chance. Sorry, I enjoyed having you around. But enough is enough. You eat too much. (NO, THAT WOULD BE YOUR FAT BROTHER).

Shii Ann (votes Amber): Amber, this vote is for you out of respect. You are the mastermind right now. And I hope you do win the million dollars. But, not before I stir it up a little bit for you. I think it would more fun to watch you squirm then or you to ride all the way to the final 2 without anyone realizing it. So, from one Shii-devil to another, this is the vote I'm casting tonight.

Markopolo's note: Oh Shii Devil, you were my favorite before you made that incredibly erroneous statement.

Things that are just as wrong as saying Amber is a mastermind.

-- Wow, remember that great episode of Survivor Thailand?
-- All of America watches ABC sitcoms.
-- Hey, Dick Cheney, here's a bacon cheeseburger, it won't hurt.
-- L.A. Porn industry clean as a whistle.
-- Brian Heidik and wife: Clean as a whistle
-- Gas prices low
-- Bobby Brown has hits all the time -- slapping Whitney
-- Markopolo is not counting down the time until the Olsen Twins are legal (He would never say 44 days, 8 hours, 53 minutes, and 3 seconds).
-- No Osbournes currently in rehab
-- One of my asshole friends after watching tonight: "Of course Shii Ann's mom didn't win. There was too much MSG in the cockroach." That insensitive JERK!
-- Another friend: "Unless it's a banana swallowing contest, Amber's mom has no chance."
-- Dallas Mavericks play good defense.
-- RobFather is a friend to all.
-- Neverland Ranch: Safe for children
-- Rob Cesternino is a chick magnet
-- RobFather's brother is a chick magnet.
-- Debb Eaton is a chick magnet
-- Britney's breasts: Real
-- The NHL: America's game
-- Red-head John Stevens: Talented
-- Bucky Bo and Heidi Strobel -- top Survivor IQs of all time.
-- Orangeena is a man
-- Orangeena is a woman
-- Snewser, what the hell does that jackass know?
-- Omarosa is just misunderstood
-- Markopolo: A nice guy.
-- EzBoard: Great service. Knowledgeable posters. Always reliable.


Tom (votes Shii Ann): You're a good girl. Hate to put your name down. Think a lot of you, but that's part of the game. You gotta vote somebody off. Your number's up, baby, so (makes clicking sound), see ya.


Jenna (votes Shii Ann): (JENNA IS ALWAYS HURRIED WHEN SHE GOES UP TO THE VOTING BOOTH). It's time for you to go. Good luck and eat a lot and talk to you soon. (ALL OF A SUDDEN NICE VOICE TURNS CRANKY) And if you're wondering if you can eat, and how much you can, because you think I monitor that, eat a lot, Shii Ann. Eat a lot.

Rupert (votes Shii Ann): Better you than me. Maybe this will stop some of the paranoia around camp. Maybe everything can calm down a little bit. (PAUSE) At least for a few days.

Amber (votes Shii Ann): Hello, girl. You and I both believed we would not leave this game without fighting until the last minute. And, damn, you definitely have done that. Way to fight. Sorry you have to go.


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Shii Ann is Stuck
4 min : 33 sec
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Clip description: Why does Shii Ann feel alienated from her tribe, and what can she do to get herself back into the mix? Find out now as "Shii Devil" fires back!

Markopolo's note: WOW! This is an OUTSTANDING clip! They don't call her the Shii-Devil for nothing.

Shii Ann wins major Markopolo points for her insults of Jenna, the non-hot cheerleader who's an annoying perky, optimistic biatch.

I was going to go on a long diatribe about why I hate Jenna, but I don't have to!!!!! Shii Ann does it for me!

Shii Ann's quips include:

-- "I try to like her, and she lies to me. She does a fake alliance with Lex, Kathy and I. And then, she squirms out of it. Next thing you know, she votes out two of my friends, and she tells me point blank, 'Hey, I'm going to vote you out.'"

-- When she decided to start treating me as if I was about to be voted out at any second. That started to get under my skin.

-- She's giving me smaller portions.

-- She's starting to yell at me what to do, giving me fish heads (I WON'T EVEN TOUCH THAT ONE).

-- I mean, the girl's a bitch. Let's face it.

-- And she's bossier than anybody else here on this tribe.

-- She's a frickin sidekick that nobody ever asks for.

-- She drives me crazy! I want to strangle her.

-- She rides behind the coattail of Rupert. Everything she does is for Rupert. She kisses Rupert's and Rob's butt like there is no tomorrow. It's like their butts taste like chocolate, and she can't wait to lick it.


READ ON FOR MORE FROM SHII DEVIL


Shii Ann (Confessional): Yeah, this is the first beautiful day that I've experienced on Chaboga Mogo. (MUST BE BECAUSE ALL THE SMART PEOPLE LIKE ALICIA ARE GONE). And, I got to be honest with you, it's not really brightening my mood. Because the longer I stay here, the more I realize that I have very few friends, even fewer allies (SOUNDS LIKE GEORGE BUSH AT A UNITED NATIONS MEETING), and I'm probably the next to go (YEP, THAT'S MY BUSH!).

And, ya know, I am getting really tired of being here to be honest with you. It's really hard to be out here. But I didn't realize the luxury of having a friend out here. Having Kathy around, having Lex around, those things really helped me out here.

And now I am stuck in a tribe with five other people who don't necessarily trust me or even like me, and it's very alienating. And I'm constantly fearful I'm going to be the next one voted out.

So, it's kind of a drag. But it's kind of nice on the sunny day, the lovers, you know Jenna (pauses), not Jenna. The lovers, Amber and Rob went off on their walk. And then Jenna went on a walk with them. They're friends. And Rupert's off fishing. And Mike, and Brother Bo, they're off getting wood (HOPEFULLY NOT TOGETHER).

Everybody was doing their own thing. And I was sitting by the fire, making water. So I was working while everyone else was kind of playing.

And to some people, that might seem strange. Why don't you go and play, too? But for me, it's kind of a way to meditate. Kind of a way to get away from the rest of the tribe. To stop playing the game for a second. To concentrate on doing something so my mind wouldn't be going over all the possible combinations of people and the alliances, and who I might vote off, et cetera.

Also, I am just really tired of Jenna, I can't stand her. I try to like her, and she lies to me. She does a fake alliance with Lex, Kathy and I. And then, she squirms out of it. Next thing you know, she votes out two of my friends, and she tells me point blank, "Hey, I'm going to vote you out."

OK (sarcastic), that's enough to create a little animosity.

But then, when she decided to start treating me as if I was about to be voted out at any second. That started to get under my skin. She's giving me smaller portions. She's starting to yell at me what to do, giving me fish heads (I WON'T EVEN TOUCH THAT ONE).

I mean, the girl's a bitch. Let's face it. And she's bossier than anybody else here on this tribe. She runs around everywhere, doing everything, insisting that she does everything. Then she claims she does more work than everyone else, which is not true.

She rides behind the coattail of Rupert. Everything she does is for Rupert. She kisses Rupert's and Rob's butt like there is no tomorrow. It's like their butts taste like chocolate, and she can't wait to lick it. (ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT AMBER?)

CUT

The way she talks to people is condescending. She tells us exactly how many plantains we can eat. How the fish should be split up. Meanwhile, we have a surplus of plantains. Even if we stay here for another 30 days, there wouldn't be enough people to eat all the plantains on this island. And what? There are seven days left? She's still rationing the plantains. Plus, on top of that, Rupert catches the fish.

He comes back and tries to be fair in splitting up the fish.

Jenna will tell you exactly which fish you may or may not have. It's completely arbitrary. She of course gets the biggest fish, because she is Rupert's Satan side-helper.

It's like that cartoon with the big bulldog and the little bulldog that skips around it (ISN'T THAT JERRI AND AMBER ON SURVIVOR 2?). That's her. She's a frickin sidekick that nobody ever asks for.

She drives me crazy! I want to strangle her.


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Big Tom Talks back
1 min : 44 sec
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Clip description: Watch Big Tom give his tribal update to Insider. Find out how the he feels about Rupert and the others!

Markopolo's note: Tom is such an idiot. Rob making fun of him and his son was cruel, but hilarious. Kind of like making fun of Timmy on South Park. I'm sorry, it's 5 a.m. when I am typing this, and, at this point, I am a complete and utter jerk.


Tom (confessional): When Jenna told him that she was going to eat the fish, and for (Rupert) not to eat it. Rupert got mad and went out and caught em and said he was going to eat every one of em.

And he's pissed, saying he doesn't have to share fish if he didn't want to.

And so, he's about to cool off a little bit. Rupert's a big eater. Give him some food, Rupert's pretty much a hog (LIKE BUCKY BO).

But, ya know, Rupert's been a pretty good provider. When somebody's bringing in gifts, free gifts and stuff, even though I don't always agree with things, I have a tendency to say, thank you come back again. And some of these people, they forgot the thank yous. They're forgettin who's feedin them (WELL ROB IS FEEDING AMBER, IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN).

You know, I can catch a fish (UHHH...NO YOU CAN'T). But I can't catch em like Rupert. Rupert likes to do it. And I found out, if you encourage him, pet somebody and encourage him, it goes a long way. And Rupert loves for you to brag about him. Every time I'm eating a fish, I say, boy Rupert, you're the man. You da man. And I've lost 62 pounds (OR AMBER'S BULLEMIC WEIGHT AFTER FHM). But with Rupert on, I'm putting on a bit. And quite frankly really enjoying the last few days, kicking back enjoying the sunshine, eating fish, swimming. (WHAT THE HECK IS THIS? SURVIVOR CANCUN?).

To be honest with you, if it weren't raining and some of these bugs, I might stay a few more days.

I ain't decided yet.




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Don't trust Rupert
1 min : 34 sec
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Clip description: Why doesn't Boston Rob trust Rupert, and why is everyone so paranoid? Get the answers now.

Markopolo's note: All those people who whine and complain that these clips have no spoilers. WELL, HERE ARE YOUR SPOILERS! Lots of good info about alliances. Looks like Rupert is going to get targeted next. Jenna is a gullible idiot. Amber is playing her like a fiddle.


Shii Ann (to Rupert): I just learned how to French braid, and I'm practicing on you here (tends to Rupert's hair).

(ROB IS STARING WITH A CONCERNED LOOK)

Rob (confessional): I don't trust Rupert, at all. OK? Rupert's too goody-two-shoes.

(SHII ANN TENDS TO RUPERT'S BEARD -- HE LOOKS LIKE A SCHNAUZER DOG)

(SWITCH SCENES TO BEACH -- AMBER, ROB AND BROTHER MIKE ARE THERE)

Rob: Tricky character. I'm telling ya.

Amber: He made it sound like he's the most honest player.

Mike: Yeah, right.

Rob (confessional): My brother's told me that he was a snake (RUPERT OR YOUR BROTHER? HAHAHA) He basically told me what I knew already, don't trust anybody.

Markopolo's note: What does this mean? Why did Rob's brother call Rupert a snake? What did Rupie do in Pearl Islands that would cause him to say that?


Myself and Amber, Rupert and Jenna have an alliance. For Rupert and Jenna to break their word now doesn't make any sense.

Amber (confessional): Right now, everyone's really paranoid. It's come down to the point where either our plan is going to work, or it's not. (WOW, BOY ARE YOU THE "MASTERMIND" OF THIS GAME)

Amber (to Jenna on rocks): Promise you and Rupert won't team up with Big Tom and vote us off.

Jenna: I promise. Our friendship means more than that.

Amber: You don't think Rupert will try to talk you into it?

Jenna: Really, I know it's hard to trust people in this game, but I wholeheartedly trust you and Rob. I know you guys won't go with Big Tom.

Rob (confessional): Rupert and Jenna are going to get out of here pretty soon. I don't know if we can keep them around until the final four.

If I don't win immunity next, I don't have any other hope than to side with Big Tom.

(SHOTS OF TOM AND RUPERT LAUGHING...A SNAKE ROLLING IN THE WOODS)


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Rupert's Lament
1 min : 10 sec
-------------------------------

Clip description: Why is Rupert upset back at camp, and what can he do to lift himself out of the funk? Find out now!

Markopolo's note: This clip stinks. Rupert complains about no fire, and the wet climate, and nothing else. He whines more than Summer on the OC and Frankie on Real World: San Diego COMBINED.



-------------------------------
Shii Ann, the Day after
6 min : 36 sec
-------------------------------

Markopolo's note: Shii Ann rambles on, but some of it was interesting. The best part was about Jenna. Let's just say she isn't going to be voting for her if she's in the Final 2.

Shii Ann says: "Jenna, of all the people is the least strategic thinker. I mean, all she's counting on is the fact that she's not No.1 on the list. She's hoping. She hopes to win immunity. She hopes to stick with her alliance and the pecking order. She doesn't believe that she's going to win a million dollars. And she just wants to get as far as possible."

Wow, pretty damning evidence from the Shii-Devil! Oh the puns at 5 a.m!



Shii Ann (day-after): How did I get here? Let's see. I'm really the last remaining Mogo Mogo member to make it to the Chaperan/Sabogan tribe.

And in the end, I played every single card possible. But, it was a numbers game.


At the end, the majority of the players decided to stay together with their alliance. It was a 5 against 1 odd that I would win immunity (UHHH I WOULD SAY 30-1...I WOULD PUT FUNNY CIDE AHEAD OF YOU 10-1).

And unfortunately I couldn't win immunity the rest of the game. So when I didn't win the second immunity, they voted me off.

And I knew I was going. But to be honest, I didn't go without a fight. I tried to infiltrate their alliance in every way possible. I got a lot of inside information. But ultimately, they outnumbered me. So unfortunately, I'm out of the game, but I loved the way I played.

I'm very proud of the fact that I got to beat everyone from the original Mogo Mogo tribe. So, it was good.

CUT

Jenna, of all the people is the least strategic thinker. I mean, all she's counting on is the fact that she's not No.1 on the list. She's hoping. She hopes to win immunity. She hopes to stick with her alliance and the pecking order. She doesn't believe that she's going to win a million dollars.

And she just wants to get as far as possible.

That's great. That's a fine strategy. But don't turn around and tell me that I could have ingratiated myself into that tribe.

If I had won immunity, and, in her words, had been polite and totally silent. This is from a woman who talks 24-7 nonstop about everything under the sun and about herself.

I mean, really, I don't know how to express the irony of that. Someone who want YOU to be quiet. While they mouth off, on and on and on, about god knows what.

This game was physically exhausting. When I first got to Mogo Mogo beach, I thought, oh we have more food than I had the last game. We had coconut and we had fish, and we had a machete and we'll be able to start a fire. That was Day 1.

By Day 3 I was thinking to myself, Why did I want to play this game? I'm delirious right now. I am fainting every time I stand up because I have dehydration. I'm covered with bug bites that are starting to pus and turn into infections. And I'm sleeping in wet sand in the middle of the night, and I haven’t eaten for three days.

And that was just the beginning of the game. And as the game went on, Mother Nature just kept relentlessly pounding us with bad weather (ROB WAS RELENTLESS POUNDING AMBER, TOO).

There was one night when I seriously thought I was going to die. I had never been so afraid of Mother Nature as I was out here.

You watch something like national geographic or the weather channel, and you see these thunderstorms. And you see lightning and you think, hmmn, that look really fascinating.

Well, let me tell you something. When you are stuck in the middle of one of these lightning storms, it's not fascinating. It's fricking terrifying. All of a sudden you want to click your ruby heels and wish you were back home in Kansas.

Because it was miserable. I really thought I was going to be struck by lightning and going to die.

So it was pretty harsh.

And towards the end, I was just really physically taxed. I could not walk up the hill without panting and having stop and breathe. You have no muscle left, no body fat left. You can feel all my ribs. It was hard, very hard.

CUT

I actually had a really good time this time around. And even the people who rubbed me the wrong way, it's a game. And I'm really not going to have to spend much time with them outside of the game.

Some of them I really think I will have genuine friendships with afterward.

Some of them, even, like Amber, whom I called out in the game. I like her very much. And I'm sure if she comes to New York, we'll be hanging out. (HMMN...I WONDER WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO WITH HER??)

I think this experience was totally different for me than Thailand. I went in knowing I would have to play against the best of the best. And I ended up beating every person that I really wanted to go up against, especially Lex, Kathy, Ethan and Richard Hatch.

Those four have always been my favorites throughout Survivor history. And I played with them all, I was on the same tribe with them all, and I beat them all.

So, you know, I really don't have any regrets this time. It sounds kind of not so humble; I really like how I played this game. It ended up, I never backed down. In the end, I lost because of a numbers game and I didn't win immunity with the fire -- OK that was my fault.

But everything else, I couldn't do anything. A girl can only do so much, play as many cards as you were dealt. In the end I had to go, but it was such a great time.

A relatively great time, besides the pain part, the lack of sleep and the starvation. It was a really fun game. And I met all my goals, except for the one where I win the million dollars (laughs). So, it was good.


-------------------------------
Shii Ann's final words:
2 min : 29 sec
-------------------------------

Markopolo's note: Shii Ann is the only person who had more fun this time around than the last. (WELL MAYBE EXCEPT AMBER AND ROB).


Shii Ann (final words): Tonight I voted for Amber, because Amber is the most manipulative, the best, the friendliest, the sweetest, the best player remaining in this game. She has Rob Mariano wrapped around her finger, and you know what? She doesn't care whether or not he loves her or likes her. She's thinking about the million dollars, and she's thinking very logically.

She looks at Rupert, she looks at Jenna, she looks at Big Tom, as pieces in the game. She is not emotionally attached to any of these people, despite her friendship. I very much respect her game-play, which is why I wrote her name down tonight.

She's flying under the radar, under the radar of Rob Mariano. I think a player like that can much win this game, and I just wanted to warn everyone.

Don't forget little Amber, with her big green eyes and her beautiful smile. Don't forget she's playing for a million dollars, and she has every chance of winning.

Wow. 33 long, long days. I came, I saw, I conquered. I pretty much achieved every single goal, except for maybe winning the million dollars. But you know what? The Shii Devil did her best.


I really tried. I played this game as hard as I could, I played with the best of the best, and I beat every single person I got to play with, except for at the end, it was a numbers thing. It wasn't really my fault. Strategically,
I think I made every single possible move that I could have made, and I did it right. Guess what? I played with the best.

I beat four of my favorite players Ethan, Lex, Kathy, Richard Hatch.

I beat them all! Ultimately, it came down to bad luck with the numbers, and sometimes that's the way the chips fall.

So, to my friends and family, Of course, I love you and I miss you all. Mom, thanks so much for coming out to see me. I was so proud of you. You're so brave for eating all those things.
What can I say, except for that this experience was amazing, as was the last time, but even much more so, because this time around, I had fun. I had a lot of fun!




OK...TIME FOR SLEEP!