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TOPIC 1: ALL-STAR AWARDS!
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Because they don't have a Reality Show Awards (YET! Trust me, it's coming! UPN must be thinking BIG ratings for this one).

AWARD	CASTAWAY	ANALYSIS
Best player		While he made some awfully poor decisions (voting Tom out, showing his alliance cards), Rob controlled every vote. Unlike in S4: Marquesas, his tribe didn't lose every challenge. Chapera dominated, allowing Boston Rob to control the game. Mariano made the right move in voting off Lex and Kathy, because they are much better players (despite their game-ending gaffe). Lex and Kathy COULD have screwed up his game. Instead, Rob kept the sheep (Rupert, Alicia, Jenna) around to control the rest of the way.
Worst player		Has he played the game at all in two seasons? Nope. He could have taken control of All-Stars on numerous occasions (how about voting off Rob or Amber?). While Jenna Lewis at least thought about strategy, Rupert was more concerned with keeping his "honor" to his alliance. Rupert WILL never win in the game of Survivor. It's too bad CBS just handed him a million to pacify the American people from getting too upset with Amber's victory. Rupert is lucky that he was "under the radar" because no one knew him.
Best challenge	Home Depot build-a-shelter	The lone original challenge in the game was by far the best. We got excellent plot points (Rupert's stupid shelter in the ground, Mogo Mogo men not listening to Jenna and Shii Ann, Rob building a penthouse with Amber's interested eye on him). This challenge showed the best of Survivor -- CHARACTER INTERACTION!
Worst challenge	Re-used challenges	All-Stars cheaply stole challenges from previous seasons, and few were exciting. The least-exciting was probably the "build a fire" challenge (Episode 13). There was just no drama, no excitement. Most of the water/boat challenges (especially in Episode 2) fit this category, too. Even past challenges that were good (i.e.: the matchmaker challenge for soap and hygiene products) fell flat.
Best episode	Episode 5	"I've been bamboozled!" With those words, Rich, the ultimate player, was booted in the best episode of the season. It had it all -- Sue peeing on a raft, Tom drunk, Saboga being dissolved, the Rich-Sue incident at the beam challenge, RobFather dunking Colby ("He's not so tough, ladies") and Ethan and then lifting his team to victory like Randy Johnson pitching a perfect game. The first big scramble before tribal council, and the glare of Shii Ann when Colby says she's "coasting through." Survivor fans were bamboozled by the crappiness of some of the later episodes.
Worst episode	Episode 11	Like many of the final episodes, this one made us say, "Let's just get this over with." Kathy was booted, like everyone knew she would. A crappy obstacle course challenge that combined reward and immunity. RobFather winning it all -- worst of all in a puzzle challenge. The crappy videos from home. Why couldn't a Brian Heidik Thailand porno be shown instead? This episode showed the editors were going through the motions.
Biggest good surprise		The devil -- NO, not the CEO of Shell gasoline -- Shii Ann provided some excellent, snarky commentary throughout the most boring episodes post-merge. Her drama made the show watchable. Remember what she said about Jenna L. in Survivor Insider Episode 13? " "I mean, the girl's a bitch. Let's face it. And she's bossier than anybody else here on this tribe. She's a frickin sidekick that nobody ever asks for. She drives me crazy! I want to strangle her. She rides behind the coattail of Rupert. Everything she does is for Rupert. She kisses Rupert's and Rob's butt like there is no tomorrow. It's like their butts taste like chocolate, and she can't wait to lick it." Shii also did her best to shake things up, and yes, she gets points even though she failed. Her cheering after her immunity challenge win made us jump up and clap. TAKE THAT!
Biggest bust		Rob Cesternino is a Survivor dork (just like many of us). He couldn't get any lovin' from the opposite sex (just like many of us). And yet he failed to make a much-needed impact in the game! His humor (and intense love for Heidi) helped us get through Survivor Amazon. Too bad.
Stop whining!		Instead of using her villainess reputation as an advantage (like uberbi*tch Omarosa), Jerri has retreated into the crying, "the world hates me, boo hoo" shtick. Puh-lease! Stop whining about how people hate you, and take advantage -- a second 15 minutes of fame doesn't come around too often.
Most likely to save the dairy industry	The twins!	Milk prices might be skyrocketing, but there's plenty of stuff in those two to feed all of Sally Struthers' children of the world (with enough for her fat ass, too). This pic not only shows a small kitten's dream, but it's also the best quote of the season ... speaking of best quote ...
Best quote of the season	Amber	As Amber (err Tina), above, said, "three years has done you no good. You're still a bit*h My vote is for Jerri."
Most likely never to be heard of again		She's got her million. She'll disappear faster than Debb Eaton.
Biggest drop-off from the first game		Rudy was THE STAR of S1: Borneo. He had the "cute" homosexual comments about Rich ("Not in a homosexual way, that's for sure."). He was America's beloved castaway. He got commercials. He "wrote" a book. Now? He has been replaced by Rupert as castaway No. 1. He was the second boot in a terrible, boring episode. He didn't even make top 4 at America's Tribal Council, though the vote numbers we have found had told us something else. Like Michael Jordan, Sugar Ray Leonard, Michael Jackson and others who've made horrible comebacks, Rudy's great legacy was hurt tremendously.
Most likely to become the next Nick Lachey		Amber and Rob, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. Is there a difference between the two couples? Amber won the game. Amber is stupid. Amber is hot. Amber can sell a lot of magazines. Amber is from the town of Beaver (Penn.) -- that alone makes her a giant sex symbol. Even Joe Paterno might wake up for a game or two this season at Penn State if Amber is in the stands. Meanwhile, Bastan Rahb can throw out the first pitch at a Red Sox-Devil Rays game. Big whoop. He'll play second fiddle.

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TOPIC 2: MY LIFE IS OVER!
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This past Thursday night came and went.

I felt empty. I felt numb. I felt despair.

OH MY GOD! Survivor isn't on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sure you feel the same. I'm sure you thought about eating some carbohydrates and killing yourself (because orange juice and its 25 carbs are EVIL and big, fattening sides of beef are good for you).

But I am here for you! Before you waste your life watching MOAN of Arcadia, here are some ideas to fill your time.


TEN THINGS TO DO WITH THURSDAY NIGHTS

1) Watch something you never would watch (like UPN or the WNBA), and realize how good you had it watching boring Survivor All-Star episodes when Mogo Mogos got voted off one-by-one.

2) Spend some time with your son, or be a big brother to someone. Just DON'T bring him to any parties at Michael Jackson's ranch.

3) Learn about the stock market. Buy any company with the word "oil" in it. Stay away from ImClone and any movie studio making a Vin Diesel movie.

4) Try to figure out who has a better personality -- a rock or John Kerry. Also figure out which has more intelligence -- a rock or George W. Bush. And just to be fair: That 200,000-year old rock? It's half the age of Ralph Nader.

5) Test the theory as to which rises faster -- your local gas station's prices or Kobe Bryant in a hotel room.

6) Create a set of Survivor action figures. Make Rob Mariano three feet taller and standing over a kneeling set of Rupert, Jenna Lewis and Amber.

7) Incorporate the "Lex-GUT philosophy" into your daily life. Stab your friend in the back, and claim it's business. Then when they do the same to you, break off your friendship and claim, "You sold our friendship for a bunch of greenbacks."

8) Watch a Major League Baseball game. Four hours later, in the fifth inning, play a game to pass the time. It's called, "Pharmacist." Next to each player's name on the scorecard guess which illegal supplement/steroid that player is using. Also works great at NFL games, track meets, horse races and lesbian softball games.

9) Waste four hours of your life typing a Survivor Notebook. OOPS!

10) But the Survivor 1 Borneo DVD. Watch one episode every Thursday, and it will get you through the summer. The DVD is a MUST for any Survivor fan. Well worth the $35 just for having all 13 episodes and almost-three hours of commentary by Jeff Probst, Gervase, Rich and Rudy..


If you want to buy it, buy it from the same place I did. Help support SurvivorFever.net, which is a great web site that serves Survivor fans everywhere, by purchasing it through this link.

www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0001ZDKXI/survivorfever-20

Can't afford it? Afraid to relive the nightmare of watching Stacey Stillman? For a transcript of the voiceovers check out Anti's excellent DVD transcript.


Speaking of which, do you ever yearn to watch old Survivor episodes? You have a few options:

-- Trade tapes with other Survivor fans, Pick a survivor message board, find the correct place to post, and beg for tapes.

-- Buy tapes off Ebay. Some people sell complete seasons. Buyer beware!

-- Download the episodes off a peer-to-peer program (slow and unreliable Kazaa and SuperNova). The best way is on Internet Relay Chat or IRC. The instructions are rather complicated though. It can take 8-10 hours to download one episode. The files are HUGE. And you need a very fast connection and lots of patience. Plus, the quality is average at best.

-- Wait for the DVDs! An All-Stars DVD has already been announced. Previous seasons hopefully will come out if the current Survivor 1 DVD sells well. DVD sets are relatively inexpensive ($35), the quality is a MUST-HAVE, and the extras are worth the cost.

-- Read Markopolo's Survivor Transcripts for past seasons.


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TOPIC 3: A DIFFERENT TYPE OF SURVIVOR
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Check out a bunch of Survivor dorks (errr spoiling experts) playing the game! Written with lots of twists and backstabbing, it's much better than All-Stars (Thailand, too).

Read about it by clicking on these links:

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TOPIC 4: DIVERSITY IN SURVIVOR
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Talk Show host Jay Leno recently joked about the Contender, which is based on boxing: "That's a reality show where the black guy might have a chance." And a recent TV Guide article brings up a good point -- Why were there no minority males on All-Stars?

S4 Marquesas's Sean and S1 Borneo's Gervase would have been good choices, but we'll admit that the All-Star cast was one of the things CBS and Mark Burnett did right this season. The borderline picks -- Shii Ann and Amber -- turned out to be stars of the show. Jenna Lewis was the most questionable pick, and Gervase, who is from the same season, or Rector might have fit better. Though we would have rather seen Johnny Fairplay over a lot of the All-Stars.

The article brings up S2 Australia's Nick, S3's Clarence, S5's Ted and S7's Osten. But all four of them would have been poor choices. They just weren't great characters like Gervase and Sean.

The social dynamics of religious, age and racial differences are important to Survivor. The 20-something All-American boys and girls are OK, but let's hope the casting directors keep in mind that a diverse cast makes the show great. A few of the most memorable characters have been:

-- Rupert, a big, bearded pirate with low self-esteem.
-- Richard, a fat, naked, homosexual Machiavelli.
-- Rudy, an old Navy SEAL.
-- Christy, who is deaf.

And the winners? One Survivor Sucks poster pointed out the diversity:

-- Richard, a gay man.
-- Tina, a late, middle-aged woman.
-- Ethan, who is Jewish.
-- Vecepia, an African-American woman.
-- Brian, a used car salesman and former porn star.
-- Jenna, a swimsuit model.
-- Sandra, a Latino-American woman.


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TOPIC 5: A DAY IN THE LIFE OF ROB
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(Pic by Finding Dory on Sucks)

-- Wake up. I can smell the espresso!

-- Make breakfast. Spaghetti and meatballs of course! (With a side of Amber.)

-- Go to construction site. Do 10 minutes of work. Wow, that's a lot for a construction worker! Complain that road construction workers have to do only five minutes a day. "We geht a raw dehl." Guess this project is going to "take a little longer."

-- Buy 11th copy of GodFather trilogy. Throw Part III out window as soon as you get in the car. Spit on it.

-- Call television networks about broadcasting your wedding. Not even ABC is that desperate (lineup is too full of quality programs like the Jessica and Nick variety show). 

-- Write a letter to Big Tom and his son apologizing to them for calling them idiots. Realize you just wasted an hour since there's no way those illiterate dumbasses can read it. Send singing telegram that Tom can dance to. 

-- Send "Big Man Johnny" to give a little "payback" to Lex. How about a tattoo he'll never forget?

-- Watch the Red Sox win another meaningless regular-season game. This is the year. You can feel it.

-- Spend some of Amber's money to wisely invest in Red Sox 2004 World Series Champions T-Shirts.

-- 10 minutes later, The Yankees acquire two more All-Stars. Their payroll is now $47 trillion.

-- Pedro Martinez sneezes and breaks his spine. He's out for the season.

-- Start drinking heavily -- Manhattans of course!

-- Visit Ethan in New York. Attend soccer game. Cheer along with the other 10 fans in the stadium.

-- Go home to watch Sopranos. Complain about all the Italian stereotypes in the show.

-- Stop by jeweler. Buy gold chains to go along with white, wife-beater T-shirts. 

-- Call Marquesas's Hunter and laugh, "No one watches the History Channel."

-- Find numerous gay people on street and "out them" like John Carroll.

-- Return home. Logon to Survivor Network. Read Markopolo's Survivor notebook. Get pissed. Looks like "Big Man Johnny" has another job tonight.

-- Uh oh! 15 minutes of fame are running out. Better write a book. "How to win the Girl and the Million."

-- Four people buy the book. Hey, that's more sold than Richard Hatch's life story and Keith Famie's cookbook combined!

-- Time to go to sleep. Roll onto Amber. One second later. Life is good!


Check back next week for another crappy, (but a little less crappy) version of SURVIVOR NOTEBOOK! We'll have our wish list for Survivor 9, a day in the life of Rupert and MUCH MORE!

Do you like SURVIVOR NOTEBOOK? Hate it more than watching Richard naked on a 100-degree day?
E-mail Markopolo100 your comments.