Survivor All-Star notebook:
March 20, 2004
By Markopolo100@yahoo.com
WARNING! I TRIED
NOT TO PUT SPOILERS HERE, BUT JUST TO BE CAREFUL, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!
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TOPIC 1: IS ALL STARS
BORING?
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I can't taste my beer! I
can't taste my beer! I can't taste my beer! Oops, wrong commercial. But for the
first couple episodes of All-Stars, I thought I couldn't taste my Survivor
(thought Robfather could definitely "taste" his Survivor).
Slow starts are somewhat common. It's why we don't remember Peter Harkey or John
Raymond (whom?). But All-Stars was supposed to change that. We knew the
contestants. They're better D-list celebrities than Kathy Griffin and Kato
Kaelin. But All-Stars' first episode, delayed after a dramatic Super Bowl, fell
short. Episode 2 was saved by Rudy's emotional departure. Slowly the series has
improved (just like RobFather slowly improving to second base with Amber). Has
it been the home run we thought it might be? No. But hopefully, the best is yet
to come. Here's a look at a pre-merge report card.
|
ATTRIBUTE |
GRADE |
ANALYSIS |
|
Cast |
A- |
One thing Mark
Burnett (MB) did right was picking the cast. While Amber and Shii Ann were
questionable picks to some, both have provided surprisingly good drama and
one-liners. Our most notable omissions were: Kelly (S3: Africa), Theresa
(S3: Africa), Brian (S5: Thailand winner), Sandra (S7: Pearl Islands
winner), and Johnny Fairplay (S7: Pearl Islands liar). Whom would we replace
to get those guys in there? A tough call, but Jenna Lewis has been a big
disappointment. Many of the more well-known contestants -- Colby, Susan, Rob
C, Rudy -- are gone. But Rob Mariano has taken over the show. He's been
great for drama so far. He must carry the show, especially if the Mogo Mogo
tribe dwindles. |
|
Episode 1
opening |
D |
After three
better opening twists (S5: Elders pick tribes; S6: men/women split; S7:
Immediate marooning with shopping at market), All-Stars fell dramatically
short. The show started at almost 10:52 a.m. Eastern Time Super Bowl Sunday,
very late for East Coasters. It was just an hour long, and so short, we
barely even heard from first-bootee Tina. Sonja and her ukulele got more
facetime! We took away two things: Rich is naked and everyone wants to vote
off the winners. Ugh and double ugh. We would have liked to see more
interaction between the tribes at the first challenge. Let's hear the chit
chat when everyone saw each other for the first time. Rob M: "Pretty boy
Ethan betteh not make the merge." |
|
No fire, no
water twist |
D- |
We understand
that MB wanted the All-Stars to suffer, but this didn't make for
particularly exciting television. All-Stars should be about the
personalities, and unfortunately it was about people whining about fire,
food and water. Been there, done that. It made the
first two episodes particularly unbearable. Also, enough of the rain! We
don't care that it's raining unless Amber or Colby is doing a naked rain
dance (depending on your preference). |
|
Challenges |
B- |
Survivor fans
constantly complain about old, re-used challenges. So All-Star was
particularly disappointing. Any challenge that required a face-off or
interaction between the tribes worked the best (the beam/joust challenge,
memory challenge, log rolling). Keep in mind that three episodes had only
one challenge (two quitters and one super challenge). The Susan episode took
a big hit when she left early. The rest of the episode seemed very bland.
The best challenge so far? The newest one -- the Home Depot build-a-hut
challenge. MB, maybe now you'll understand -- 2000 Survivor challenges are archaic.. Maybe you should replace your challenge experts with 14-year-old girls
who invent challenges from their bedrooms. Oh wait, they already did that. |
|
Other twists |
C |
The best seasons
have had some sort of twist to shake up alliances. Africa was great in the
3-4 episodes after the switch. The S4: Marquesas switch helped separate the
Rotu 4 (John, Zoe, Tammy, Robert) from the Rotu 3 (Kathy, Paschal, Neleh)
enough to force the biggest power shift in Survivor history. S5: Thailand
didn't work because the twist (fake merge) gave us just one episode of
enjoyment (Shii Ann's oops). S6: Amazon's sexual battle and switch screwed
up alliances for the entire show. S7: Pearl Islands' outcast twist did the
same thing. Unfortunately, All-Stars twists came too early (Saboga
dissolved), were overrated (pick an ambassador), or haven't worked yet
(Kathy being picked to dine on the yacht with Chapera). To avoid a Pagonging
(like S1's Pagong, S5's Sook Jai), MB needs a big twist to shake up the
Chapera alliance. Something tells us that we won't see that happening.
|
|
Jeff Probst |
B- |
Jeffy has usually
been rock solid in keeping things from getting out of hand. He handed
Jenna's episode perfectly. He's kept the All-Stars in line, and his
questioning at tribal councils (from what we've seen) has been top-notch. He
was man enough to admit his blown call in the beam/face-off challenge
(finally someone on Survivor admitting a mistake!). His relationship with
Colby went unnoticed (a good thing), though we would have loved too see some
more interaction with the contestants. Yes, the show is about the Survivors,
but Jeff's antagonism at certain points throughout the seasons (S2:
Australia's rice tradeoff, S7: Pearl Islands' Osten quitting) have been
spectacular moments. We never thought we would be saying this, but we WANT
MORE JEFF PROBST. Wow, can't believe we just said that! |
|
Drama |
Eps.
1-4 B-
Eps.
5-8 A- |
The show has been
much better in the last four episodes than the first four, which is
customary for the series. Eighteen contestants is tough. And we often
complain that 16 is too much to keep track of. The Tina and Rob C boots had
little or no buildup. America's love affair with Rupert in S7 has resulted
in too much of him. But his bond with Rudy, Jenna's emotional departure and
Sue's controversy saved the series from being a huge disappointment. Kathy,
Lex and Shii Ann, three of the more interesting contestants, were barely in
the show until the past few episodes. Jeff Probst is the only one to call
out Amber and Rob's love connection, which is annoying. Too much re-used
challenge time (two challenges taking up almost 20 minutes of 41 minutes of showtime) hampered Episode 2. Rich's episode with the dissolution of Saboga,
a fantastic challenge and some crazy last-minute manipulation attempts is by
far one of the best episodes in the series. Since the focus of the story has
shifted to the Mogo Mogos, things are getting meaner and, as a result, more
exciting. The grades get an extra bump because of a free Survivor Insider,
which is BETTER than the skimpy $9.99 yahoo platinum version. |
|
Overall |
B |
Against stiff
competitor Friends (in its last season), Survivor has delivered a good, but
not great, performance. Will there be enough drama if a Pagonging takes
place in the second half? Will Rob M get to third base faster than the Red
Sox in a playoff game? |
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COLBY, YOU'RE NOT THAT INTERESTING
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Colby recently said in a radio interview after being voted off, "they've voted
off the most interesting people." Silly Colby! They voted off the "people who
got the farthest the first time" (PWGFFT).
Take a look at the results of
the first eight boots and their finishes:
|
BOOT |
FINISH |
| Tina * |
1st (S2:
Australia) |
| Rudy |
3rd (S1:
Palau Tiga) |
| Jenna (left game)
* |
1st (S6:
Amazon) |
| Rob C. * |
3rd (S6:
Amazon) |
| Rich * |
1st (S1:
Palau Tiga) |
| Susan (left game)
* |
3rd (S1:
Palau Tiga) |
| Colby
|
2nd (S2:
Australia) |
| Ethan * |
1st (S3:
Africa) |
|
TOTAL: 8 |
Average boot
finish: 1.88 |
-- Wow, an average of 1.88!
-- Yet out of those eight boots, how many were really good players? Maybe three?
And only two challenge hogs voted out!
-- I put an * asterisk next to those players that were at or tied for the
best finish among their tribe when they were booted.
Not surprisingly, six of the first eight boots had or were tied for the
highest finish on their tribe.
Now, take a look at the
remaining 10 players and their finishes:
|
REMAINING |
FINISH |
| Jerri
|
8th (S2:
Australia) |
| Kathy |
3rd (S4:
Marquesas) |
| Lex |
3rd (S3:
Africa) |
| Shii Ann |
10th (S5:
Thailand) |
| Alicia |
9th (S2:
Australia) |
| Amber |
6th (S2:
Australia) |
| Jenna L |
8th (S1:
Palau Tiga) |
| Rob |
10th (S4:
Marquesas) |
| Rupert |
8th (S7:
Pearl Islands) |
| Tom |
4th (S3:
Africa) |
|
TOTAL: 8 |
Avg. remaining
finish: 6.9 |
-- Wow, an average of almost 7th
place! The sore losers are getting their revenge.
-- If our next three boot predictions are correct, that average will soar to
7.9 entering episode 12.
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TALE OF THE TAPE -- OMAROSA VS. JERRI
----------------------------------------------------------
By
Bluegeena from SurvivorReeks
WARNING! Survivor Network is not responsible for jokes made by
Bluegeena.
|
CATEGORY |
OMAROSA |
JERRI |
|
Who? |
That bi*ch from Apprentice |
That bi*ch from Survivor |
|
Finish |
Eighth place. |
Eighth place. |
|
Picture caption |
Here, Omarosa couldn't "close the deal" around the "big man."
BTW, the writing says, "To Omarosa -- Monica was better" -- Willie
Billie. |
Jerri is shocked by two things.
-- That someone might think she is hot.
-- That computer
graphic artists can manipulate porn photos that well. (Computer people
know about porn? Who knew?) |
|
Notable event |
Blindsided by small piece of plaster. |
Blindsided by vote at tribal council. |
|
Famous trip |
Went to hospital because her head weallly, weallly herrrt.
|
Went on WB Network show, AKA "acting career kiss of death." |
|
Rejected by
|
Trump, after more second chances than Darryl Strawberry and Robert
Downey Jr. combined. |
Colby.
Heck, Rob Cesternino isn't that desperate. Well....actually.
|
|
Whines about
|
Pain in head, discriminating kettles |
Food, water, rain, sleeping, bamboo, chores, working, money, challenges,
tribal council. |
|
Antagonized |
Heidi over taking espresso breaks ("I'll just die if I don't get catered
room service.") |
Kel over the beef jerky. Which will be found first? Kel's jerky, Janet's
granola bar or Iraq WMDs? |
|
Song we
sung when she left ... |
Cel-ehhhh-brate good times, c'mon! |
Keith Famie rendition of "Ding dong the witch is dead." Exclusive Big
Tom dance remix coming soon. |
|
Says she
knows more than ... |
Everyone, because she "worked" with Bill Clinton. |
Professional chefs |
|
We're
shocked by ... |
How she lasted so friggin long |
How her Playboy month wasn't the lowest-selling ever. (That honor still
goes to Liberace.) |
|
Fans' favorite moment
|
When the camera caught her "headache" playing catch with those little
kids. |
When challenge partner Colby threw her over a wall and she landed on her
ass. |
|
Up next |
She wants to run for Congress (Dennis Kucinich and Al Sharpton laughing
hysterically)
Then again, a steroid-induced fondler became The Governator. |
After failing to soften her image on All-Stars, she hopes to run for
biggest whore on Jerry Springer. |
|
Though we dislike her, she's
still better than ... |
That crazy artist with the pictures of little girls being tortured. WHAT
THE F was that? BTW, that "one" sale was a special boy drawing to
Neverland Ranch, Calif. |
The entire cast of Thailand (Brian and Shii excluded). |
|
We would
have loved to see her make out with ... |
 |
 |
|
